“Why Do I Always Fight This Way?” Understanding Attachment Styles and Conflict

By Cecilia Wright | Sept. 2, 2024

Have you ever found yourself in an argument, wishing someone would show you more affection or love? Or maybe the very idea of conflict terrifies you, causing you to shut down or avoid it at all costs. These reactions may stem from your attachment style, a crucial factor in how we manage conflict in relationships. When we're unaware of our attachment style, we can easily fall into unhealthy patterns of conflict resolution. But what exactly is attachment style, and why does it matter?

What is Attachment Style?

Attachment theory, developed by notable psychotherapists like John Bowlby in the 1950s and Mary Ainsworth, identifies four primary attachment styles: secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant/dismissive attachment, and disorganized attachment. Among these, secure attachment is considered the ideal, while the other three are classified as insecure attachment styles.

According to attachment theory, “the early bonds between a child and primary caregiver(s) create an internal working model or schema that the child carries into future relationships” (One Family Illinois, n.d.). This means our attachment style profoundly influences how we navigate relationships and, consequently, how we handle conflict. For instance, someone with an anxious attachment style might feel abandoned when their partner avoids conflict, while a person with an avoidant attachment style may shut down during conflict, appearing aloof or disengaged.

Recognizing and Improving Your Attachment Style

The first step towards cultivating a secure attachment style—and improving conflict resolution skills—is understanding your current attachment style. A therapist trained in attachment theory can perform an attachment assessment, helping you identify your attachment style and areas for growth. By gaining insight into your attachment patterns, you might recognize why you handle conflict the way you do. For example, an anxiously attached individual may constantly seek validation to avoid feelings of abandonment, while an avoidantly attached person might avoid conflict entirely, missing out on genuine emotional connections.

The Power of Self-Talk and Curiosity

Another key step towards secure attachment is to become curious about your self-talk, especially during conflicts. In his book Attachment in Psychotherapy, David Wallin illustrates the difference between two types of inner thoughts: “I am a forgettable person” versus “I am a person who often feels she is forgettable – I am not sure why” (Wallin, 2007, p. 40). This curiosity about our thoughts fosters healthier thought patterns and emotional well-being. For instance, believing “I am a forgettable person” without questioning it can lead to feelings of rejection, isolation, or unworthiness. However, exploring these beliefs with curiosity allows for deeper self-understanding.

Practicing Curiosity in Conflict Situations

So, how can you practice curiosity and self-scrutiny about your inner world? Start by examining what you say to yourself during challenging situations. Using the example of “I am a forgettable person,” you might ask yourself:

• Where did this thought come from?

• Why do I believe this?

• What other instances in my life have reinforced this belief?

• When in my childhood did I feel this way?

Asking these types of questions can help you develop self-awareness, allowing you to understand your reactions to conflict instead of simply being reactive.

Moving Towards Secure Attachment

Achieving secure attachment requires time, dedication, and often the guidance of a therapist skilled in attachment theory. However, once you lay the groundwork, you'll be on the path to becoming a healthier version of yourself. This journey will ultimately lead to more fulfilling relationships, not just with others but also with your inner self.

If you're ready to begin your journey towards self-discovery and healing, we invite you to schedule a session with one of our experienced therapists today. Let us support you in understanding your attachment style and building stronger, healthier relationships.